Asshat Extraordinaire

So imagine this.

You grow up in Britain, a country that is modern in all respects, and you build yourself a nice career based on being a witty reviewer of automobiles. Everyone finds you stimulating and amusing and on every street corner and in every pub people tell you how absolutely fabulous you are. You are in all senses a "celebrity" and having the type of ego celebrities require, you believe emphatically that yes, you really are quite special.

But there is something that constantly nags at you. If only you could break into the American market, fabulous riches would come your way and the Queen could quite justifiably award you with an OBE. You could dine with the likes of McCartney, and party with Sting. Maybe even Elizabeth Hurley... no forget that.

So you try and break into that market. You fly over to "America" and try your car review shtick in the massive American media market. You blow up cars (isn't that what they do in America?) and chatter, with great "irony" of course, about the size of American cars and the size of American butts. Unfortunately, the brain dead Americans just don't see how the size of their "arses" is "ironic". And to add insult to injury, they don't know who you are and don't particularly care.

In fact, when you arrive at the airport, rather than being treated in the manner that you so richly deserve, they make you do such insulting things as check your own baggage and present ID while buying beer. How could this possibly be?

The answer, of course, is obvious. They're stupid!

They are a genetically inferior race and only happen to be rich and successful by chance of history. If not for their massive natural resources (or some such thing... don't focus on the details), they would be among the world's poorest people, probably living on a dollar a day in veritable squaller.

Having to mingle among such low lifes is so depressing that you are impelled to escape back to your own kind. Forget the riches. Forget the OBE. It is simply not worth it. Your humor and irony shouldn't be wasted on these morons. Car review TV is in fact an art form that these idiots could never comprehend.

But you can't just leave it at that. No, your people need to know how pathetic the Americans really are.

So upon landing safely on home turf, you post an op-ed to the Times of London. The selfish know nothings in America will hear from you! You feed your countrymen's hunger for the ugliest American stereotypes you can cram into a 500 world piece. You spew invective until your worst hate filled fantasies are expelled and your readers are fully sated.

Mix a bit of "dreaded hyper power" politics with "fat butted country folks" jokes; "guns are everywhere" with "no one drinks enough to be friendly"; a dash of "everyone sues each other" with a bit of "laws that only the worst dictatorships have". Add some filling and there, you're done.

Good job. You can finally get some sleep tonight. Maybe you won't get the OBE. Maybe you'll never be as wealthy as you so richly deserve. But dammit, now at least you feel better and your little audience in jolly old England still thinks you're pretty special.

You've probably now burned your bridge to America, but don't worry, Jeremy, you never would have made it here anyway. Because basically... you suck.

I know that sounds simplistic but, as you know, we Americans are a simple people. And sadly for you, we know a small town act when we see one.

And then we try not to think about it.


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